Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ah, the elusive white penny

Cashier: That’s a button

My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.

A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

12: My favorite band is Green Day

Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?

Me: Clifford’s cousin

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect

Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”

where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.

i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business

Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.

[at airport Subway]

One footlong before my flight to Zurich

“American or Swiss?”

I’m flying Swiss

“I mean for cheese?”

No, for business

*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod

I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.

THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]

In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!

Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?

Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome

Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?

It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”