Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
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ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.