Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
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OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Thaw me like one of your french fries
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.