Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
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Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
never ask a starfish for directions
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it