Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
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Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
My father must be spinning in his grave, and not just because of that spinning device I had built into his coffin
My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
I don’t get marriage
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.