Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.

The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.

Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand

Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish

DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian

ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ

I love art.

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

Buying houses is mental

Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined

Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants

Not allowed to speak to the owner

Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds