Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
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A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Love is in the air fryer.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.