Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*

I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.

The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.

people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.

a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.

Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?

Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”

“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

A telemarketer just called my cell phone.

I pretended to be a phone sex operator.

HE didn’t hang up.

…things got awkward.

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.

Date: I like bad boys.

Me: I’m a drug dealer.

Date: But one that is also responsible.

Me: At a pharmacy.

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN