Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
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MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?