Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks

God: Hmmm..

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside

The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”

He’s 14.

*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!

I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast

Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…

Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”

Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

4yo: fold me like a towel

Me: what?

4yo: FOLD ME

Me: okaaay

4yo: stack me on top of the towels

Me: what?

4yo: STACK ME

Parenthood is wild

Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.

Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?

No mate, a landline 🙄

Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.

Judge: how do you plead?

Guy: well usually to my wife

Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant

A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.