[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
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I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Spotted in the wild
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
This was a bad idea all around
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house