[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
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Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
These 3D printers are insane!
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?