Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
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me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL