Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
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cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon