Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
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If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Some call it flirting…. I call it just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive…
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.