Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
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Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Twitter remains undefeated
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.