Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
You Might Also Like
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
AM I BEING GASLIT????
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September