Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
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Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down