Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks

me: [to waiter] horse please

Me: Excuse me

Waiter: Yes?

M: The wine’s corked

W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed

M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager

*gets struck by lightning

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?

Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?

*Whirls Around*

Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby

this has done me in for some reason

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.

Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.

Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.

your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids

I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here

[toddler birthday party]

Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?

Wife: mine’s-

Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?

Wife: -432 months.

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

There is no try. There is only give up.

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

*has no idea what a book even is*

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.