Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”
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I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
can’t talk my ride’s here
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.