Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?

Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.

Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake

“Oh, insomnia?”

No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body

My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.

God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?

WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?

ME: [current world hula champion] You can try

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by saying they look tired.

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.

Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

This trial is so absurd 😭

Waffles are just pancakes with abs.

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

[2 days into diet]

Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die 😉

been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊