Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]
Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one
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Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.