Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]
Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one
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The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Uh oh 👀
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.