Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]
Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test