Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in doomsday bunker]

wife: we’re out of food

me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive

chicken: yes but who?

A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.

“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”

I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.

[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU

Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.

My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog

Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

Modest Mouse: Float On

Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

We don’t deserve birds.

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

DR: your IQ test results are abysmal

ME: is… is that good?