Elf cop:”We got a robbery in progress on Candy Cane lane. Hit the light Rudolf!
*Rudolf sticks nose through sunroof*
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
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[purposefully keeps messing up my hot dog eating scene]
director: cut! [sighs] bring in another hot dog, take 11
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Keep holding it…
How to stop an unwanted DM.
Hi, how are you?
Me: Well, my ex has me on a wanted list because I’m a psychotic cow, how are you?
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
her tinder bio: i like guys who are into heavy metal
[later at dinner]
her: why are you doing this?
me [dressed in chainmail and eating with a spade]: doing what??