[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
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Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants