@nyquills

[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa

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@d_duhwit

Elf cop:”We got a robbery in progress on Candy Cane lane. Hit the light Rudolf!
*Rudolf sticks nose through sunroof*

@CornOnTheGoblin

[purposefully keeps messing up my hot dog eating scene]
director: cut! [sighs] bring in another hot dog, take 11

@JeffCoen

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

@Reverend_Scott

Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.

Now hold it.

Hold it…

Hold it….

Hold it…

Keep holding it…

Die.

@gaynorlsimpson

How to stop an unwanted DM.

Hi, how are you?

Me: Well, my ex has me on a wanted list because I’m a psychotic cow, how are you?

@In_Twittaland

No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.

Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.

@E_lok44

I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it

@lazerdoov

Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway

@all_dredd

her tinder bio: i like guys who are into heavy metal

[later at dinner]

her: why are you doing this?

me [dressed in chainmail and eating with a spade]: doing what??