Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!

Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.

Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.

The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

I’m trying to eat healthily but there’s still so much cheese in the fridge. And it’s illegal to throw cheese away. Not sure what to do.

I guess I’m going to have to eat the cheese.

Yes. I am now actively eating the cheese.

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.

When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.

And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

“I’m thinking about having a baby.”

“You should get a dog.”

“As a sort of test?”

“No. You should just get a dog.”

“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.

Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is

I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”

Empathy: I feel you

Sympathy: I feel for you

Lycanthropy: I feel awoo

“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies

Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.

They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.