There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
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The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
#Caturday
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Aight bet
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
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