I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. Two women trying to kill each other over shoes. Brilliant, really.
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Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
WELL PLAYED, SIR
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
5-year-old: What are Nazis?
Me: Bad people who we killed a long, long time ago
5: Why were they bad?
Me: They kept correcting our grammar