Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. Two women trying to kill each other over shoes. Brilliant, really.

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Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak

Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not


Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.


Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.



*links to story on mainstream media site*


7yr old “Do women get their periods on weekends too?”
Me “Yes”
7yr old mutters to herself “Jesus Christ”


If another day goes by without a Matthew, Mark, Luke and John forming a boyband called New Testament, I’m going to give up on everything.


Sometimes I get really stoned and stare at phone and wonder why I pay so much money for a government tracking device.


[at son’s Little League game]

ME: which one’s yours

OTHER MOM: the pitcher. You?

ME: the one performing Lord of the Dance in left field


Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.


*knocks over the 17 Starbucks cups on her nightstand

*answers her alarm clock, “hello?”