@HapInTheCap

Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. Two women trying to kill each other over shoes. Brilliant, really.

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@pmclellan

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

@GinRumMe

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

@QwertyJones3

Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.

@MarfSalvador

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

@T_Bonezzz_

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

@Lisa_Laughs_

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: What are Nazis?

Me: Bad people who we killed a long, long time ago

5: Why were they bad?

Me: They kept correcting our grammar