Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. Two women trying to kill each other over shoes. Brilliant, really.
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Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
7yr old “Do women get their periods on weekends too?”
7yr old mutters to herself “Jesus Christ”
If another day goes by without a Matthew, Mark, Luke and John forming a boyband called New Testament, I’m going to give up on everything.
Sometimes I get really stoned and stare at phone and wonder why I pay so much money for a government tracking device.
[at son’s Little League game]
ME: which one’s yours
OTHER MOM: the pitcher. You?
ME: the one performing Lord of the Dance in left field
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
*knocks over the 17 Starbucks cups on her nightstand
*answers her alarm clock, “hello?”