Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.

He described his son as “very mature”.

Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.

Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance

My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go

Three men are on a boat

They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So?

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”

My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road

“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”

self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication

*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.

I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

-watches two minutes of the news

-locks kids in their rooms forever

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.