[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
You Might Also Like
[getting ready to go out]
Wife: I have nothing to wear!
Me: *wearing my PE shirt from middle school* I’m ready to go
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
when someone pisses you off start counting down from 10. When you get to 8 punch them in the throat, they will never expect it.