Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*

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[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”


[getting ready to go out]

Wife: I have nothing to wear!

Me: *wearing my PE shirt from middle school* I’m ready to go


[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”


No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.


ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets

ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions

CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not

ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her


Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?

Me: Yes of course I…oh no

Half sister: what



“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”


I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at

Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…

Yep, now he’s looking


Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.


when someone pisses you off start counting down from 10. When you get to 8 punch them in the throat, they will never expect it.