Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?

Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.

⛽️ 🦫

Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.

*pulls up pants

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude

“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”

-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.

Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*

at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Have you showered today?

Me: Um, I …

Netflix: And use soap this time.

Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.

Me: Nachos.

Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.

Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?

My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.

If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.

The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.

My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to

Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

Me: is everything ok you seem distant

Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars

the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe