Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.

i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”

nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.

This staff meeting could have been a haiku.

Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.

Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

*teaches nephew about the telegraph*

him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?

Her: so tell me a fun fact

Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!

H: I mean about yourself…

M: …I know the plural of octopus

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*

😭😭

a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with

Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.

Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..

Her: Yes I did.

Me: No you didn’t.

Her: Yes I did.

Me: Oh you’re good!

don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions

I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.

I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.