Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

[Rome]

CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

😭😭😭

a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs

My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now

Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger

No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.

Me: *hanging off a cliff*

Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-

Kids: What’s for dinner?

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:

“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!

I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.