“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
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Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Coffee for people with no kids
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
