“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
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My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide