Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[asteroid destroys earth]

God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

Just say no

the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone

Can’t, holding a grudge

Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.

Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.

I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.

Gets pulled over:

” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”

Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!

My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts

People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.

Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?

Me: Well, I couldn’t find-

W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.

9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.