Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess

Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?

Me: Uranium is OK I guess.

C:

M:

C:

M:

C: I like Metallica.

That’s not even on the periodic table

I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

My favorite state to visit?

Unconsciousness

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”

ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*

date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker

me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish

Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐

Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?