Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
You Might Also Like
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …