Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thursday

Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.

Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy

Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

me: *chopping onions*

wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?

me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…

Me: I have a weekend immune system.

Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery

Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now

ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.

GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

If Mr Krabs owned a bar

Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]

Me: one internet please

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy