Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
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People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Flowers bee like
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.