Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.

“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

My chiropractor is a crack addict.

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,

The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.

I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.

“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

cat 911: what ur emergency

my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door

cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.

Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

Mike is short for Micycle

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose

My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.