Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
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*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
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Me: Same
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.