Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

A Parenting Mad Lib:

Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors

Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed

Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”

There stupid…

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.

Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime

*asteroid approaches*

SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.

PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?

SCIENTISTS: None yet.

PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than

What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”

Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die

Him: How’d you get so cute?

Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.

[apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.

At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.

You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.

wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust

me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?

Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again