Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
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Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.