Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
You Might Also Like
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
Catercrombie & Fish
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
The struggle is real
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
🙄😏😂🤣
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?