Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
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I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.