Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
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Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
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Well there goes my Wednesday night.
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Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.