Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.

Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

Anime is real

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.

‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

I’m a bad influence on myself.

If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.

My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out

Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO

this meeting could have been a push down the stairs

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress

trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you

Your secret is safe with me and my sister.

There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people

Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile

8: what did he do?

Ex: what do you think he did?

8: he drove while drinking

Ex: yes

8: AGAIN?!

Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.

Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.

Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!

Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.

I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.

sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me