Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken

‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.

Me: You’re adopted

Ted: What? How long have I been a dop

Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money

Manager: Is this true

Waiter: I just gave him the check

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO

My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.

My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.

Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.

LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged

Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!

Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder

Teacher: You know what, please don’t!

This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.

Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!

Australia: no need to, we’re good

I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.

STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Rachel is KIND

Monica is NURTURING

Joey is CONSIDERATE

Phoebe is TALENTED

Ross

Chandler is FUNNY

It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.

Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?

Me: Avocados.

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.