Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
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Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Me starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet
9am: One cookie instead of two
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Bear
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Everyone thinks they will be the first person in history to maintain their dignity while posting online.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.