Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
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The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!