Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
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If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”