Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
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My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Skip intro
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.