Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
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I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Sounds like a real hoot.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body