Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm

Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

Her: I chose you for your brains

Me: aww

Her: in case I ever become a zombie

I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…

I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”

Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”

My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.

clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.

[dinner date]

me: here, let me get the door for you

her: no I got it

me: ffs it’s MY microwave

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.

Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*