Woke up against my better judgement again
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Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
How does one answer this?
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.