Woke up against my better judgement again
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Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this