Woke up against my better judgment again
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*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
