Woke up against my better judgment again
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If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I need to sieze this.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.