Woke up against my better judgment again
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Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
🖤✌🏽
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.