Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.

you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.

Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden

Antelope: o no

Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want

Antelope: omfg

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.

They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight

Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.

– alcohol

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was

My husband has blocked the sink!!!!

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I knew I should have buried him in the garden!

A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground

My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.

Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.