Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
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Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
respect
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.