Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
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detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
“oh dude you’re gonna want to see this” i yell to my dog from the other room upon seeing 2 squirrels on a fence
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Where is your GOD now????
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.