Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
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My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.