Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
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Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
S M O L
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Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
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[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck