Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
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FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Them: Is your cat friendly?
My Cat: What kind of a fucking question is that?
Me: No
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week