Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hs reunion]

JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital

I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???

We need a ride home.

“I called a Gruber”

Don’t you mean an Uber?

[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]

(3:12am)

My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.

ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish

Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else

Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?

Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight

Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)

Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge

☠️ ☠️

he’s making a list
he’s checking it twice
he’s inserting bullet points
he’s moved a picture
shit undo undo
what the margin
trying to insert more bullet points
they’re now shifted left?
Santa Claus is struggling with Microsoft Word

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

[showing off scars]

ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember

HER: that’s your bellybutton

TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.

“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”

My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight

[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.