Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package

“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”

“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”

“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”

“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.

Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine

“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten

Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.

Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food

Priorities

The Friday File.

I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.

friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.

Fighting on twitter be like 🤣

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

Ring = she’s married

Nose ring = she’s married to a bull

Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen

When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.

People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician

I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.