Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
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i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Breaking news:
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
This is a whole mood;
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.