Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: *takes deep breath*

Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.

Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

me: turtles stole my pizza today

therapist: interesting

me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas

therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES

They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:

You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.

One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

[the best zoom meetings]

host: can you hear me ok?

everyone: no

host: let’s just reschedule

everyone: great

[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!

Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station

Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.

My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.

my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.

No date on the calendar is going to bully me into staying awake past 8:30pm

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.

If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*

Me: How romantic.

*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*

Me: WTF

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.

After ten years of marriage I’ve realized that I also need a wife to take care of me.

Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot