Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
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*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?