Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please, I am begging you.

Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.

went to the frame shop. as I waited in dread to hear what it would cost, I closed my eyes and thought of a ridiculously high number and fixated on it so the real number, whatever it was, would come as a relief. but the real number was A HUNDRED DOLLARS HIGHER

“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?

Me: No Sir it will be round

Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”

FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone

The horror:

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.

Bruh 😂

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.

Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.

– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies

“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”

That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.

Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”

Me: “Sleep.”

7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”

Exactly.

This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.