Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
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Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
buying dead houseplants to save time
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
A new level of troll.
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish