woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
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My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.