woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
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His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
LA today:
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!