woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
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Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Ah..makes sense now
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.