woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
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[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
💻🤡
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it